Whoopee!

Whoopee! - April 25 2018 - P1011042c-morguefile

Misty brain fog dissipates,
Clarity prevails,
Life, so grey and dark before,
Now from lightness hails.

Disease or drug related,
Or from other choices made,
The old pathway has disappeared,
All gone, passed on, decayed.

The one that I’m now standing on
Is open, fun and free,
Exciting opportunities
Now await for me.

I am ready and willing… Whoopee!

***

© 2018 Robin McShane

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A Journey

A Journey - oct 29 2017-A Starburst Galaxt - hubble

 

I emerge from this fog laden mist
Like a diver resurrecting his right to breathe,
To think,
In an atmosphere
Where clarity prevails.

Where have I been?
Why have I suppressed myself for so long?

Foglamps flared along the path,
I saw them not,
Ignoring the light,
Adamantly following my own trail
As if I knew the purpose for my journey.

Trampling on moments,
I gazed to a future,
To my next destination,
The goal I set myself
And, feeling no fulfilment there,
I simply set the next…in stone,
Until it too crumbled under the weight of my expectations.

Did I look up?
Did I breathe the space
Allowing awareness of what was
To fill my soul,
To complete me?

Silence became something to evade,
Time, an enemy,
As I rushed through in
My ruthless determination to get to
Where I knew I was going.

Until the clock stopped
And I could make no more goals to chase.
Body and mind left me,
I could not trust them,
Muscles spasmed, hands dropped,
My brain found chasms opening
As tissue gave way to disease process
And the consequences followed.

I pulled myself up from the floor,
Aided and raised by unseen hands.

Fog thinned,
Lungs breathed,
Eyes saw,
Muscles returned.
New pathways forged the brain,
Burning routes for impulses to travel,
Shattering blocks in the way.

Awareness followed,
As moments became hours.
Scenes abounded,
So much in so little
That only my inner could feel.

Life became too bright,
Reality flickering on and off
As my willingness to see played
With my fear of what I might find, or be.

Trying to regain control,
The floor fell away again….and again…and…

Years of bouncing became the norm,
Until, weary of the game, my soul
Called a halt and I hung suspended
Between there and here,
Nothing and nowhere,
Everything and everywhere,
A shock to my triumvirate system,
My being.

And so I hang,
Energies swirl,
Life carries on.
The sun rises, the sun sets,
Rain falls, rain dries,
Seas fall, seas rise,
Mountains, squeezed from the land,
Make headway to the sky.
Animals that were, die,
Whole species are born,
Live, then find extinction.

Stars twirl,
Pouring their light through the cosmos,
Flashing on me, through me, and on…

I hang suspended
Through time and motion,
A journey in the void,
A trip back to where I began,
And forwards to where I’ll finish,
All in the same place.

What a strange journey!

***

© 2017 Robin McShane

My MS Brain

My MS Brain - Aug 27 2017

***

Filing away at arid drips of memories
My brain destroys parts of itself,
Smoothing gaps which I can’t see or feel
Until the faint outline of what was
Flickers…flickers…then fades.

Shavings fall at my feet
Where a light breeze flicks them up
And away,
Tumbling just out of reach
Until even their shadows have faded,
Experiences gone.

New shapes try to take their place,
Yet have their own space to fill,
Until the sharpened knife,
With the dull edge,
Comes around again,
Scrapes their edges,
Blurs their clarity,
Strips their pride,
As the tell-tale strips fall,
Fly and fade to dust.

***

© 2017 Robin McShane

My World Breaks…Again!

This may explain my longer than planned absence! 🙂

****

I awoke dulled and slow,
With the pressure of Saul,
You may be familiar
With the three o’clock call?

Climbing upright,
Dizzy, all blurred,
A nausea wave,
Crashed through my world.

I stumbled to get
To the place we all know,
When the body just threatens
To ‘let go, now, let go’.

A friend brushed my arm,
Supporting my lunge,
My strong, faithful wall
Averted a plunge.

I got to the place
We leave our temporary mark,
Sat down, held the bin,
When all faded to dark.

“Try to get up,”
I heard a voice say,
“You’re wet and you’re cold,
Come on, come away.”

I wasn’t quite sure
Just where I was at,
But movement, a no-no,
She had to see that.

I tried hard to explain,
All she heard was a groan,
I tried to say more,
It came out like a moan.

“Please try to get up,”
She ruffled my leg,
“I’ll go get some ice
To put on that egg.”

I slowly came to,
Pushed myself to a crawl,
She helped me to bed,
Wrapped ice to a ball.

Ah, life with MS,
A challenge a day,
I’m so grateful that someone
Can love me this way.

And as the day starts,
We discuss the event,
The need for a Doctor,
How it all went.

Pupils are equal,
Reacting to light,
Let’s rest, give it time,
I’m sure I’m alright!

And so I am,
After a few days of rest,
Just an appointment tomorrow,
With the Neuro for tests.

****

© Copyright 2016 Robin McShane

English Tanka – #8

For NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo 2016 – Day 15 (to prompt – see below))

****

Two eyes one picture
‘Til double vision descends
Two eyes, two pictures

Takes the sense from direction
From following one pathway

****

© Copyright 2016 Robin McShane

****

The prompt: “Because today marks the halfway point in our 30-day sprint, today I’d like to challenge you to write a poem that incorporates the idea of doubles.”

A 4am Thought

For NaPoWriMo/GloPoWriMo 2016 – Day 12 (not to prompt)
****

It’s four o’clock and I cannot sleep,
Brain drifting, thinking, running deep,
Muscles tight and spasms hard,
Wish I could this leg discard.

Busy day behind me falls,
One ahead to answer calls,
Any and all, come on, I’ll cope,
With a dash of power and strength and hope.

****

© Copyright 2016 Robin McShane

Notes: The Hospital Swallowed Me PLUS a New Cover!

Suppressing quiet thunder feeding my life
Crushing words down my throat
Squashing ideas from my mind
Conquering sight in my eyes

I lay frozen tight
Solid with fear
Boiled broth brain
Sloshing side to side
In a skull made for more
Annihilated

Drips invaded veins
Drugs impounded normalcy
Dropping venom on plaques
Drowning their growth
Dwarfing their effect

Staggering under this weight
I was sent home
To wait
To rest
To recover

And slowly sight is returning
Double vision sometimes one
Jumping eye still
Still eye moves

Looks like I shall be back…

****

© Copyright 22015 Robin McShane

****

The MS (Multiple Sclerosis) Relapse which started in August, and which I thought had gone through its process, returned with a vengeance and took my sight, much of my body function and my brain/cognitive functioning (although on this point probably not many people noticed! ha ha!).
So, into hospital for treatment and then the wait for recovery which is only starting to happen now (the heat here not helping at all!).

Thank you to everyone who came visiting, liked and followed – I will visit your blogs as soon as reading has improved for me!

An extra special thanks to those of you who emailed to check if I was okay – do hope return spellings, etc. were okay! 🙂

Before the relapse hit, I had prepared my 4th chapbook ready for release and will organise that next week. As a foretaste, here is the cover – do hope you like!!

final cover lulu - 15.13x21.63

Hopefully, I will be back in full swing soon…

Sonnet

Following my post last week on the physical challenges of living with MS, a friend requested one on the psychological aspects. I have been trying for the last few days to write one and all that keeps coming to mind is Christine’s beautiful sonnet on that very topic. So, here it is! Enjoy…

journeyintopoetry

I long for what I can no longer be,
strong limbs that move and never question how.
I long for who I can no longer see,
the one who disappeared and left me now
to tread life’s path a very different way;
a stranger in a world that I once knew
where land and sky just seem to fall away
and raging, rolling seas, my soul imbrue.
Until a shaft of light somewhere appears
and lulls the tempest to soft whispered waves
that ripple on the shore, allaying fears
restoring peace and hope my spirit craves.
The sun, the moon, the earth now realigned,
and I am who I thought I’d left behind.

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Living with MS

Walk with me this morning
Hold my left hand tight
I’ll grasp cane in my right
Push forward with all my might

Yet all my might means little
As strength and muscles ebb
Thank goodness for the ‘net
And the world wide web

I can meet my friends on line
Talk and laugh and share
When the legs don’t let me walk
I can trust they’ll always be there

So getting out is no big deal
When the body calls its shots
When balance, brain fog, muscles
Say “Walking and driving…Not!”

My chair becomes my comfort zone
The place I cannot fall
My old friend the computer
A Window to it all

I can research things to help
Talk with friends both old and new
And write and write and write
In between the odd old snooze!

Living with MS
A new way to see the world
Everything now changing
With every moment unfurled

(Providing my leg stops jumping
Long enough for me to type! :))

****

© Copyright 2015 Robin McShane
As per this blog’s copyright statement
Thank you